ARCHAEOLOGY CONFERENCE

I never post here anymore.  But maybe I will.  I'm going to go back to documenting some of my interactions, and rath'er than analyzing my psychology (which I think I  understand pretty well--if not perfectly)--focus on exploring the connections/disconnections in my mind.

The goal is to feel uninhibited, powerful and free.  This feeling is rare--but I would like it to be commonplace--even permanent.

Anyway, I'm at the SAA conference--2nd day here.  Presented a really good paper, and professional interaction/mingling is great--I have no problem there.  But the natural mingling--the easy chatting, etc. etc.  is not there--again, I need the invitation and then I'm ok.

I approached a lot of girls--most of these were kind of situational--off handed remarks.

Best one was a Canadian professor.  She was by the water cooler--I said something like 'You've absolutely got the right idea.' or something.  FULLY engaged....so we talked for about 5-10 minutes.

Second decent one was after asking a girl sitting next to me whether or not she was using this program--she wasn't.  I followed up with a comment on her personal organizer---something fairly strong like 'You must be the most organized person in this whole conference'.  Then we went on from there...

None of these were particularly flirtatious--although I tried to be engaging.

Other approaches were more in the off-hand remark category--

'See anything interesting'?
'Any good talks?'
'Wow--that's the first time I've seen anyone reading a book that's not a program'

I probably talked to about 20 women, and not really remembering any of them all that well.  There were also about 2000 who I wanted to talk to but didn't.

Basically--it's not what I say--it's how I'm feeling when I say it.  That's why I'm resistant to the 'routine' types of things--I'm trying to find a way to feel complete--powerful--and uninhibited.

Completely different astral plane

May 4. Haven't been here in a long time...not really going to document progress or setbacks.

I am, however, going to try something new that I just read on the ApproachAnxiety forum:

focus ONLY on the positives in the journal. There are enough negative thoughts floating around anyway...why harp on them? And I've been very, very afraid to let go of the negatives...it's been next to impossible to imagine myself where I want to be.

So let's see how comfortable I feel only documenting the positives.

Today: at coin dealership. Talked to a few strangers about silver. (I'm feeling dishonest with myself even as I type this!!!! I'm going to have to suck it up and not worry about forgetting negative encounters)

Again: Talked to a few strangers about silver. Feel overall social improvement, and slow is ok.

Yesterday: Got request to do a book review...from a high-ranking professor! This is great :)

(I can feel the negative thoughts wanting to input...'but'...'but''...'but'....but I don't care.

Starbucks--yesterday or day before....asked barrista (cute!) about Bin Laden killing....conversation :)

More chatting with staff lately....getting to 2008 level of social confidence and then onward!!

Progress--September 24

Hi.

Progress has been strange...but continuously moving forward. Few approaches, but have a pretty solid understanding of what's going on psychologically...I re-read the June post that I feel that I need to reconcile two aspects of my mind---two personalities--and once I do, I can pretty much do this sort of thing without serious inhibition.

The blinding fear, incapability of processing or seeing certain circumstances is largely gone, and the barriers to chatting up girls seems to be primarily the stress of these two personalities...i.e. one won't quite give me full permission to go forward. There are some secondary factors as well...the 'i don't know what to do afterwards' stuff often holds me back even when I don't feel fear initially...there's also a powerful 'i'm not good/attractive enough' sentiment, tied into the 'what's the point' sentiment....I was almost not even able to see that part of it before...but now it's become pretty clear. So all of these buried feelings are coming to the surface where I can deal with them.

I'm not going to go through my (few) approaches, but I will outline the positives:

1. I feel that I'm meant to be able to do this 'direct' stuff, and what I mean by this is not what the forum means, but the idea that I will be able to fully express myself, particularly when I'm legitimately attracted to someone.

2.I'm becoming more and more comfortable with ME, as an ADULT and not this strange combination of maturity and immaturity.

3. I'm realising that it's not about who I GET so much as whether or not I'm able to be fully comfortable with me, and expressing me in this more connective, sexual context.

Ultimately, it is about 'being myself'....but being myself without holdbacks, and with some new understanding.

Major difficult is still this social anxiety aspect...I generally will NOT speak to girls in social places/with groups, etc. etc. etc. Main fears are: the hearing bit, the idea that I'll be exposed for a fool within a couple of minutes--that I can't hold my own and really shape the conversation....that I'm not really 'meant' to be there....all things I need to work on. While I'm not really looking to meet a wife from the bar scene, I would like to be able to at least work that scene and meet people....possibly for a bit of fun :)

Mid June--Psychological Developments.

I haven't entered anything in since February, so I should probably rehash where things are--where and how I've progressed, and what it all means.

I may try not to think too deeply about all this--as there are triggers out there, some of which are completely debilitating and destabilising, although I've had fairly good control for awhile.

Let's start there.

General feelings of poor self-esteem have not plagued me for awhile....even things that have triggered it horribly in the past--such as seeing women, watching porn (occasionally!), checking out 'the forum', etc....even rejections...haven't killed me. I've definitely improved at understanding how my mind works...enough so that the triggers aren't nearly as dangerous.

I've also been thinking and rethinking what is actually going on in my mind--there's an 'id' thing...the series of desires, pleasure, perhaps pain. It can come out in dreams...also when I'm conscious. The trick seems to be to get my conscious mind in sync with that...which it seems to be...so that the psyche in the middle doesn't become so goddamn obstructive.

It has been bad lately...I often CANNOT talk to women, although the destablising fear, as I mentioned, is much less. It seems to be compounded by stress, and it often actually takes the form of stress---kind of a barrier that I need to either understand, or circumvent....but cannot be punched through. It comes in as a reflex....the 'id' gets an idea, or a desire, my conscious mind might even be able to work with it for a minute or two...but when crunch time comes, BOOM.

I think I need to continue having the deepest subconscious and my conscious mind (love the terminology???) in touch with each other, and coax the middleman down to a level where we can all agree.

This is so bloody surreal...

But it's what's supposed to happen.

I feel like...if I can reconcile these 3 aspects of my mind...I can generally do whatever the hell I want.

The 'ids' are alright :)

Upcoming Conference

A week since the last post. So that impending panic, tightness, whatever that had begun to resurface is back in the extreme.

What' s causing it?

1. Chapter 5 (the data chapter). Sent in one part, but not the other....so it's hanging there and I can't focus with all the instability....

2. CAA conference. I'm not comfortable with my grasp of the statistics, and have been basically too anxious to write the damn paper. This is problematic...and combined with the thesis (which I'm struggling with because of the noise) it's adding extreme anxiety.

3. Can't talk to women at all. We know now that that's pretty closely linked with anxiety, but I've tried everything to get out of it (obviously that DOES NOT WORK)

so chapter, conference, and inability to talk to women. Causing extreme problems. And none of the "epiphanies" that I periodically come up with really have any effect the next day.

Let's look from a CAA perspective.

1. I'm anxious because I've hardly started the CAA project
BUT: the work is done--I just need to put it in the powerpoint

2. I'm anxious because I'm not comfortable with statistics and might not know the answers and look like a fool
BUT: I'm not supposed to be a statistician. I can refresh my memory. If I rehearse the material I'll be fine. IF I DON"T KNOW THE ANSWER TO A QUESTION< SO WHAT?

3. Women. Refuse to speak...at all...after trying everything
BUT: obviously this isn't ALWAYS the case.
also have been syaing "HI" more loudly than ever, and more consistently
it will take LOTS MORE TIME

January 27, 2010

Several months since my last update....this will be a brief review.

After the post in August, where I had just started with some direct stuff with great difficulty, I found myself able to be a bit more direct/assertive...maybe once a week. In October I had a great streak where I managed to get this girl Michelle in the Inst for a coffee within a few minutes of meeting her...tried to chat up this barmaid Marta, had some decent direct approaches--including almost (well, trying) to pull the move on Lisa--who's now a crazy friend of mine--after meeting her in Angel in September.

Noise is my head was bad, and still had the terror of working/writing, but made progress.

All the things with the women fell through, and I slipped back into chaos.

Somehow, SOMEHOW, I have managed to keep the writing going, and through a stream of epiphanies over the past several months, dealing with vision, panic, instability, loss of control, death, I basically came to the conclusion that much of the feeling of dread was AS SIMPLE AS NOT HAVING SOME WORK DONE WITH THE PHD....it caused extreme panic...and creeping dread. Which, given my problems, gets magnified 1000-fold.

So in any case, where am I now? 91,000 words written, generally decent self-esteem, and I notice that the noise in my head can really get set off--and last for long periods of time--with just a simple thing.

For example...the dread I was feeling was caused largely by not having written my theory chapter. It occupied my entire psyche, and i couldn't think, write, approach women, do anything. Complete paralysis...but somehow I was able to get the chapter written and submitted. Once that was out the door, things relaxed a bit...more and more...and things started to free up until I lost confidence in one of my major data chapters. Immediate stress hike, more, more, more, to the level of obsession (but, thankfully, NOT PANIC!!!!). noise in my head, talking to women--even though the fear isn't really there--becomes impossible.

Flat out brain lock. It makes it very hard to write....

Now, let's see what happens when this chapter DOES get finished (hopefully tomorrow but we'll see). Does the stress reduce? If so, can I talk to the girls?

I think that overall I'm a much more balanced person, and self-esteem is MUCH higher...the horrible, horrible instability and dread and incapacitation hasn't been there for awhile.

But the noise still is. I need to try to get a handle on this...so i can think clearly.

gaining congruity...

I've started--with incredible difficulty--to be able to go up to a few women over the course of a week, and say something at least partially direct. "You've got a great style", "You have the coolest look", etc. This has taken me an eternity to accomplish, and I think I have a long, slow journey ahead...

But it is coming.

OK...

It's July 10, I got back on June 20, put up that post about the Violent Internal Conflict, and find myself struggling horribly.

3 sessions with the hypnotherapist.

Things that help in the moment--

Relaxation/self-hypnosis/odd chat to an odd person/etc.

These are fine, as far as they go. But there is NEVER a day when I'm free of my hindrances. Doing the wing/PUA/practice crap does not do anything for me.

It is possible that tons of practice may desensitise me somewhat, but there are too many triggers out there.

I can't fight the triggers. I have epiphanies almost daily, and think I've gotten through, but I haven't.

Let me look at the triggers--at least in the dating field.

1. I see someone alone at a tube station.

2. I see a few people at a time.

3. I see attractive people

4. I anticipate trying to move things past the initial point.

5. I have something in mind to say, but not sure how it will sound.

6. I see women in bars.

These are all violent triggers, and send me into a negative spree. Once in there, I cannot fight my way out--and even if I do once or twice, it MEANS NOTHING.

So I need to tread very carefully, and navigate in such a way that I don't set off the triggers too violently, but that I still progress. I'm envisioning this as a compromise with the subconscious--maybe I'm not meant to try so hard. But I fear that if I don't try this hard, I'll be stuck where I am now.

I'm not like these forum folks--I have deep, social anxiety/fear/whatever issues, and I need to be careful. Interestingly, I seem to feel the best when I realize, even for the moment, that I need this to be a negotiated settlement with my unconscious--not a war. I hope I get myself on my own side!!!!!

Violent Internal Conflict

Back from Turkmenistan. As of Saturday, June 20.

Felt incongruent with myself there--kept making stupid and well publicised mistakes--felt humiliated the entire time, although the project was fine. Difficulty working. I also notice that my last post was April 13--a full 3 weeks...4? before leaving for the trip. So after my bit of direct practice, I seem to have retreated--badly--into my own head.

That's where I am now. I've set up an appointment with a hypnotherapist tomorrow--it's only 45 pounds or so....so I don't HAVE to sign up for the entire treatment. I need to do something--I know I've only been back a week but the paralysis is killing me, killing my research, and basically causing oodles of trouble.

I need to let go....the Violent Internal Conflict is wrecking me.

ALL I FUCKING WANT TO DO IS TO BE MYSELF AROUND GIRLS AND TAKE A FEW RISKS!!!!!!! Why the FUCK does my subconscious refuse to let me be ME????

For the love of god, man, let go!

ah.

Last night (Sun.) I chatted up a brunette from Michigan.  She was conducting a "social experiment" to see who would talk to her.  I was the only one who did.

I tried to talk to 3 Italians--no dice.

Chatted up a musiican--gave her a quizzical look then started talking.  Myspace exchange.  I emailed her...nothing yet.  

Today.  Talked to a swedish girl this morning.

tried a few in Clapham with Kedar.

Direct open on sense of style--Byelorussian chick.  Friendly chat--she was shocked.  DIdn't go anywhere.  Felt bloody great, though.

I think I have something with my New Plan!

The most important thing now is to work my way up and see that results are REAL

New Plan!

Not sure if i mentioned in the last post, but I found an online article which was really helpful--so much so that I emailed teh guy to tell him so.

Anyway, his idea is to pick something you really want to do, and not allow yourself to do it until you've done your approaches.  I did this, and combined it with something else I was apprehensive about--going out alone on a Friday night.  Actually, it was really helpful!

I said that i would not allow myself to leave (which I wanted to do) unti lI had 5 legitimate attempts--not directions, time, etc.  Or 2 direct ones.  It was still tough--but I did it--and I probably had 6, including several where I just went up and started chatting.  Including two cute girls at the Living Room.  Lots of missed opportunities as well, but that's fine.  I definitely realised that I needed to pull out of hte conversation early most of the time--I could have stayed there on at least three of them, but didn't.  That part will take some work.

But I did well--and I may have a plan that helps me overcome this.  We'll see how it goes.

Assessment

I'm going to try to honestly assess where I am now--what progress I've made--what areas need work--which areas that FELT like progress were false hopes, and which areas that feel like i haven't progressed are really not that bad.

So let's see.

I read the Game around a year and a half ago, maybe more.

Positives:  

1. I have consistently been talking to women I don't know--nearly every day--even though it FEELS like I haven't :)

2. My self-esteem has really increased--and I really think that the realisations I had around Decmeber through Feb. have really helped that.  Looks/height/vision/insecurities have much less of an effect, and this is extremely important.

3. I think I understand where my memory/processing/etc goes when it vanishes.  I'm not completely cured, but I definitely see the mental blocks that contribute to it.  Overall mental state is consistently better--although the Internal Conflict is still very, very powerful.

4. I have learned A LOT about flirting, women, dating, etc. etc.  And I've been using it.  Gone are the "I don't know how to flirt--is she flirting?  What's a come on?  How do I make a move?" feelings.  Sometimes they resurface, but there IS a place I can go if I need some work or explanations--the forum--even though it's a mad, creepy place with lots of conflicting advice.

5. I've learned to recognise a lot of social cues that I never really picked up on before--even people looking at ME, although I still have trouble with this one.

Needs Work:

1. The internal conflict is really intense--and continues to deeply affect my work.  This is a serious problem--I continue to be OBSESSED with fixing it, to the detriment of everything else I should be doing.  If I were free of this, I would feel comfortable doing 7 or8 hours and not feel like I have to continue to dwell on this.  I'm at the core of the stuff I've been feeling since college--maybe before, so I think I'll have to contend with it awhile longer.  As long as I can try to dwell on the success, maybe I can relax a bit.

2. I continue to have horrible trouble walking up to girls I don't know and saying random things.  I would really like to suggest my intent--as in "You've got a great presence about you.."..or "I thought you were cute" but it's still like jumping off a cliff.  The direct stuff is probably putting so much pressure on me that I can't do ANYTHING--this is probably a by-product of spending too much time on that forum.  At the same time, I think that a few simple DATES may alleviate it a bit...but it's a freakin' Catch 22!!!

Tomorrow, I'm going to really try to let go of the obsession, and not worry about it so much. It's my weakest point.  Still not COMPLETELY sure why, but I'll have to learn to trust my abilities in other parts of the game--still developing, but with more solid progress.  So instead of trying to get rid of my approach problems, I'm going to try to say "fuck it--that's the way it is--but I'll work on the other stuff".  Ultimately, that's probably the key to relaxing a bit and getting on with my life!

Balance?

I'm still obsessed with this stupid "community" crap--although I really am on the fringe.  I read a great post (actually referred through the community site--but it's just some guy)  about dating, seduction, approaching, etc. etc.

I think I've put so much pressure on myself it's been killing me.  But i did something good today--I said to a girl passing out Evening Standards that she was cute.  It didnt' seem to register--but I have never done anything remotely like that before.  This is really where I want the paralysis to go away.  I've been pretty locked up the past few days, but this is a good thing.

I need to relax, spend some time away from these weird community forums, and try to get my life/studying back on track.  It would be nice to pass some hurdles before I go to T-stan, but we'll see.  I also have to learn to expect that there will ALWAYS be SOME hurdles...

I have a hypnotherapy session booked tomorrow.  I'm having second thoughts about it.  I may cancel---it's £170!

New

Today is April 6, 2009, just after 2:00 am.

I am going to turn 35 in 10 days.  

I'm off to sleep in a few minutes.  When I start the day tomorrow, things will be different.

I'll get back in the PhD mode.

I've set up an "outing" for some of the forum people (again--I'm being careful with this) for Friday.

Last night (Saturday) was NOT good--certaily didn't make Friday's challenge--but continue to have realisations.

Today I did ok.

This is all psychological.  It's all about vision, navigation, confusion, darkness, light, trust....

All very, very core issues for me.  All I can do is keep working at it.

blah

Violent internal conflict again.  I was talking to Kedar--we propose some sort of challenge to really get this stuff working

Tomorrow is Saturday. I am going to work some of the day.

What I want to accomplish tomorrow is this.

Talk to 10 cute women.  Any point during the day.

I can look at them--smile at them--ask directions--whatever.  It needs to be above that.

So:

3 deliberate, but random/situational comments (more if fine)

3 compliments (hat, shades, whatever)

2 direct--talking for the sake of talking.  "Hi!"

2 direct--observing style, overall look, attractiveness, etc.  "You've got the coolest look" counts.

The focus is to get out of my head, and practice this.  I'm getting better at conversations, flirting, etc.

At the end of the day, get someone's phone number, but only if I like her :)

I'll report back tomorrow and see how I do.  Maybe by seeing each step in the process, and just focusing on them, I'll handle the uncertainties better.

Psychology.

I don't want to write too much.

General feeling has been that in a sense I'm releasef from all of this--("approach anxiety").  However, I feel like I'm directly facing the terror that I can actually succeed.

I'm also becoming more and more disturbed by the stuff I read in the community, and I think I should stop.   As I said to Kedar--this is about my psychological issues--I'm not trying to become those people.  There are a few on there who seem like they really do have a good sense of themselves--but I'm not so sure.  I read 3 posts that got me thinking.

One was about something called an "Apocalypse" opener--basically you say hi, ask a girl if she wants to come home with you, hold the look--and go on as normal.  Very direct.

Second was a variation on this

Third was posted by the same person, direly warning everyone that the community can and will destroy you.

The poster, named Ciaran, is clearly over dramatic, and a studmuffin.

But actually seeing how easy all of this CAN be--and how powerful it is--and how seductive it is to ME--is freaking me out.

None of this Game crap--I'm now staring complete---uh--relase?  Freedom? Maturity?  Masculinity?  Adulthood?  in the face.  Opening doens't scare me---flirting doesn't scare me...this does.

Why the hell have I been feeling detached again--experiencing the difficulty getting my work done?    The feelings of detached dread leading to procrastination, the fear of success with women, even, it seems, the fear of flying seem to be the same fear.  Loss of control, confusiion, darkness, death?  Who knows.  In the shower today, I drew things.  I drew a dot, then an end point a few feet away.  It wasn't frightening to draw a second dot after the first--then a third...and I reached the end easily.  But thinking about the whole line was disorienting in the same way.

But I always reach the end.

And the process--although it may not be CORRECT, or accurate, or comfortable, seems to happen.  I get there.  I need to train myself to not be afraid of not knowing--not seeing.

In a bar today, I flirted a bit.  Opened two girls sitting down about the G20 summit.  Kedar came in.  I switched my attentino to the cute dark haired one--she had a musician/artist look about her, but she was a journalist.  I was wearing the new blue flat cap, and she asked if I was in the music scene in Boston :)

I switched gears--talked about typing swear words in a mobile phone!  Loosened up the conversation--she seemed more interested.  So was I.  At one point I said something like "You can swear in a mobile phone!  WHere have you been all my life!"

I left to go back to the bar, and so did they.  Wrong move, but no matter.

Suggestion of interest.  

I can do this.

It's not evil...it's not dark...it's not "NOT ME"...

I can be really good with chicks....and be me at the same time.

And unlike those weird, dark forum people....I think I can be really in touch with myself, truly individual, and happy as well.

This...for all the awful pain and struggling and disconnection.... 

is progress.

Confused

It's so easy to wonder whether or not I'm making progress--christ I don't even know if I know what progress is.  Out with Kedar last night--knew damn well I would feel the block after the solid night on Friday.  And I did.  Opened several that didn't do anything--no real energy--no real conversations--nice solid blowout from a moving group of 4--just asked for good bars around, but at least I tried to put my hand up a bit, rather than just talk at them.

Whatever--weak.  I wasn't feeling pressure--or the brain lock---just felt that anything I said would be stupid.  That one is easier to overcome, but I don't like it either.

I did a pseudo-direct one today to a group of 2 girls on the tube--just told one I liked her sunglasses.  Tried to use the "I'd compliment you too, but you're not wearing shades"--but the words stuck, I felt shy and meek...pretty crap.  I did try to push it a bit by asking where they were from, but it was completely off.  Met up with my student Alyson--felt quiet there as well--although sh'es nice.  Difficult to not stare at her chest--but I definitely felt the I -don't-iknow-how-to-escalate thing--even though I wasn't really planning to.  I was thinking today that all these times I say that I'm not afraid-maybe I really am scared as all fucking hell of being sexual--I tapped into that fear today with Alyson--and maybe it's more important than the other stupid blocks at the beginnning.  I did go to the Boogaloo on my own for a few minutes, and opened 1--poorly--the other one--fine.

Bit depressed today--but at least I tried a few things even though I was feeling shy and really off.

I haven't had any days with zero openers for awhile.  Guess that's good, but I really need to get something going.

Did I mentino the phone number idea?  Maybe if I work hard to get a number (not TOO hard), and wait on it a bit, that knowledge will help me to do it a few more times before the deal falls thru...

we'll see.

breakthru

OK, ok, I know that it can be dangerous to completely trust these--but I had a good night.

Slow start--although we got in a good interaction with a couple of girls who had a dog.  One got quite intense--quite quickly--I'm assuming she was interested.  Never assumed that before.

Things were slow after that, until Pitcher and Piano--I felt in state, although I wasn't really oening much.   I opened one girl--went nowhere, but I was pumped.  Tried to push Kedar--he wasn't budging--so he pushed me, and I rattled off 2 solid ones in a row--oe a 3 set of Waggish blonees..2 good things was that I went cheeky on them--one thought i said "do you have a hairy arse?"  which I didn't, but I said "we'll talk about that later".  Darker haired one was friendlier--nearer blonde not at all.  I called her on it with "you don't like me much do you? I love women like that!"  DIdn't win her over, but it turned her around a bit.

Another seated gropu of 3, something about the tulip on their table.  2 weren't into me at all--one blak girl was friendly.

Solid tube move on the way home--very cute girl wearing garlands--turned into a whole conversation, all the way home.

I didn't feel that, although I had some interest, and some off-and-on interest from the beginning, she was fiddling with/looking at her ipod a fair bit on the way home, especially towards the second part of the ride.  I didn't really flirt--more at the beginning--as she was flirting more at the beginning as well.  Somewhere in there I shoudl have suggested she was cute/sexy, whatever.  At one point she joked that I randomly said something about garlands to a complete stranger--that would have been a window.

Ah well.  Live and learn.  SHe was a cutie tho!

Paralysis

OK.  Last post was Wednesday.

Today I felt this absolutely horrible paralysis (actually felt that in combination with the fear-of-work thing that I go through sometimes.  It's awful.  Really awful.)

At the same time, I probably did 6 or 8 approaches today.  

Lately I've been feeling a disconnect between thought and feeling.  THe feelings seem to be favorable--more open than I ever remember.  As if they want me to do this.  The negative thought cycles, though, are horrific.  So what does this all mean?

When I let go, I'm fine.  When I think, I'm not.  But telling myself not to think doesn't work.  I somehow need to let go.

I haven't really focused on my issues with direct stuff--or, to get out of the lingo--making it obvious that I'm sexually attracted to someone.  Hell, it even feels a bit strange writing it.  That may have something to do with the danger here.

I can ask for directions.  No problem--except that when I'm in the paralysis it almost feels worse--like it's compounding my paralysis.

I can ask for advice--sometimes.  Today I asked a couple people where to take friends of mine around London.  Didn't go great, but so what.

-as I'm writing this I'm experiencing some of that awful feeling--what's going on?

Let's up the ante.

I can occasionally--and even sometimes--do random, fun comments, which I like.  I saw a girl in the inst. today, and said "I bet you've just gotten an essay back"....continued to tease her about it.  That's the me--in-the now--that I like.  And it works--very well.  But not with the paralysis.

Let's up it a bit more.  Direct.  I'm interested--I find you attractive--you're sexy--I'm only talking to you because I find you incredibly sexy.  This isn't developed yet--and somehow it's horrifying.  The knot of fear that I sometimes feel when I'm trying to work, and this block--seem to be similar, or at least related.  Now, I almost feel like throwing up.  Nervous--but a horrible nervousness...like I'm going to snap or something....

THe CBT stuff says to list the possible negatives--and counter them with positives.   Well, why don't I try.

Why am I afraid of randomly suggesting sexual interest?

It's against protocol. Well, so what?  It's impressive--and even if SHE isn't impressed--I damn well will be!

I'll get rejected.   You know what?  Good chance.  But it's a learning experience--and I'll get accepted too.

I'm not good/cool/practiced/slick enough.   Again.  Maybe not.  BUt the cool factor increases--and again it's a good way in.  

So why else?  Why don't I do this?  I think the fear is deeper--those doors in the dreams.  Pinned down.  But I think that if I face them, and practice at least a few of these, that fear will lessen, and allow me to move ahead with who I really am.  I'll get shot down to high hell lots of times. But nothing wrong with that!

But the fear--I feel it now.  Chills, even as I'm writing this.

A Wednesday

Not going to write much--high on tea, caffeine and procrastination.  I tapped last night--specifically on procrastination, and it helped for the first half of the day--then I shifted back into the obsessive cycle.  Maybe doing this a few times a day will help?  In any case, I got about 1000 words down, so that's ok, although well short of what I wanted to do.  I still think I'm only doing at most a few hours of work a day--although perhaps I can count some thinking and stressing---

Anyway--met up with Kedar in Old street, went to Hoxton.  I wasn't really feeling positive or negative--although still torn in all directions about where to begin, confusion about styles, etc.  The LSS is UNHEALTHY for me in the obsessive state--I need to stay AWAY.  Checking a few times a day for advice is fine--but NO MORE....tapping may help here.

I was intimitdated by the trendiness at first--didn't stop anyone on the street, althoug hI've been feeling more and more what I really need to do--which is, really, be myself.  REALLY myself--just free to say or do what I want.  We hit the Electric Showrooms first--no one there--moved on to, I think, the  Hoxton Kitchen (both good places--although maybe I should trend myself up a bit!).  I immediately opened a blond with "Are you from Denmark?" for no reason. DIdn't go well--she said no and turned away, and my follow ups were weak and felt apologetic.  But it was a RANDOM opening, which felt a bit of a relief--I didn't need to pull back from looking stupid or anything.  Next set was at the bar next to me, asked something about food--weak opener.  Then a girl in trendy glasses--and I opened strong.  "You know--those are really cool glasses--very trendy!" but again, weak followup.  I wasn't particularly interested in any of these 3, but still could have stayed in a bit more.  We then went back to Electric--I opened a cuie at the bar with something about other good bars--I guessed (wrongly) that she was Australian.  Here with her boyfirend anyway, so nothing.  Kedar wanted to leave early--but at the end I strongly stopped 2 girls in the street with a jog up to them, and asked some question about other places to go.  None of these sets went particularly well, but I didn't particularly care.  iNot an intersting night, but perhaps some progress moving past the hump.

Positives:

Opened 3 in a row

More comfortable in Old Street environment, even though I'm not looking the part

Paying close attention to what I'm doing

Needs work

Now that I'm feeling more and more comfortable with these, I have to focus HEAVILY on body language, projection, and continuing the conversation.  I know how to do this--and have done it often.  This part shouldn't be a problem--but I need to feel the positives.  I also have to reintroduce the touching and learn the escalation.  No opportunities tonight, but there definitely can be.  Soon.  Maybe tomorrow ;)