Paralysis

OK.  Last post was Wednesday.

Today I felt this absolutely horrible paralysis (actually felt that in combination with the fear-of-work thing that I go through sometimes.  It's awful.  Really awful.)

At the same time, I probably did 6 or 8 approaches today.  

Lately I've been feeling a disconnect between thought and feeling.  THe feelings seem to be favorable--more open than I ever remember.  As if they want me to do this.  The negative thought cycles, though, are horrific.  So what does this all mean?

When I let go, I'm fine.  When I think, I'm not.  But telling myself not to think doesn't work.  I somehow need to let go.

I haven't really focused on my issues with direct stuff--or, to get out of the lingo--making it obvious that I'm sexually attracted to someone.  Hell, it even feels a bit strange writing it.  That may have something to do with the danger here.

I can ask for directions.  No problem--except that when I'm in the paralysis it almost feels worse--like it's compounding my paralysis.

I can ask for advice--sometimes.  Today I asked a couple people where to take friends of mine around London.  Didn't go great, but so what.

-as I'm writing this I'm experiencing some of that awful feeling--what's going on?

Let's up the ante.

I can occasionally--and even sometimes--do random, fun comments, which I like.  I saw a girl in the inst. today, and said "I bet you've just gotten an essay back"....continued to tease her about it.  That's the me--in-the now--that I like.  And it works--very well.  But not with the paralysis.

Let's up it a bit more.  Direct.  I'm interested--I find you attractive--you're sexy--I'm only talking to you because I find you incredibly sexy.  This isn't developed yet--and somehow it's horrifying.  The knot of fear that I sometimes feel when I'm trying to work, and this block--seem to be similar, or at least related.  Now, I almost feel like throwing up.  Nervous--but a horrible nervousness...like I'm going to snap or something....

THe CBT stuff says to list the possible negatives--and counter them with positives.   Well, why don't I try.

Why am I afraid of randomly suggesting sexual interest?

It's against protocol. Well, so what?  It's impressive--and even if SHE isn't impressed--I damn well will be!

I'll get rejected.   You know what?  Good chance.  But it's a learning experience--and I'll get accepted too.

I'm not good/cool/practiced/slick enough.   Again.  Maybe not.  BUt the cool factor increases--and again it's a good way in.  

So why else?  Why don't I do this?  I think the fear is deeper--those doors in the dreams.  Pinned down.  But I think that if I face them, and practice at least a few of these, that fear will lessen, and allow me to move ahead with who I really am.  I'll get shot down to high hell lots of times. But nothing wrong with that!

But the fear--I feel it now.  Chills, even as I'm writing this.