Progress--September 24

Hi.

Progress has been strange...but continuously moving forward. Few approaches, but have a pretty solid understanding of what's going on psychologically...I re-read the June post that I feel that I need to reconcile two aspects of my mind---two personalities--and once I do, I can pretty much do this sort of thing without serious inhibition.

The blinding fear, incapability of processing or seeing certain circumstances is largely gone, and the barriers to chatting up girls seems to be primarily the stress of these two personalities...i.e. one won't quite give me full permission to go forward. There are some secondary factors as well...the 'i don't know what to do afterwards' stuff often holds me back even when I don't feel fear initially...there's also a powerful 'i'm not good/attractive enough' sentiment, tied into the 'what's the point' sentiment....I was almost not even able to see that part of it before...but now it's become pretty clear. So all of these buried feelings are coming to the surface where I can deal with them.

I'm not going to go through my (few) approaches, but I will outline the positives:

1. I feel that I'm meant to be able to do this 'direct' stuff, and what I mean by this is not what the forum means, but the idea that I will be able to fully express myself, particularly when I'm legitimately attracted to someone.

2.I'm becoming more and more comfortable with ME, as an ADULT and not this strange combination of maturity and immaturity.

3. I'm realising that it's not about who I GET so much as whether or not I'm able to be fully comfortable with me, and expressing me in this more connective, sexual context.

Ultimately, it is about 'being myself'....but being myself without holdbacks, and with some new understanding.

Major difficult is still this social anxiety aspect...I generally will NOT speak to girls in social places/with groups, etc. etc. etc. Main fears are: the hearing bit, the idea that I'll be exposed for a fool within a couple of minutes--that I can't hold my own and really shape the conversation....that I'm not really 'meant' to be there....all things I need to work on. While I'm not really looking to meet a wife from the bar scene, I would like to be able to at least work that scene and meet people....possibly for a bit of fun :)

Mid June--Psychological Developments.

I haven't entered anything in since February, so I should probably rehash where things are--where and how I've progressed, and what it all means.

I may try not to think too deeply about all this--as there are triggers out there, some of which are completely debilitating and destabilising, although I've had fairly good control for awhile.

Let's start there.

General feelings of poor self-esteem have not plagued me for awhile....even things that have triggered it horribly in the past--such as seeing women, watching porn (occasionally!), checking out 'the forum', etc....even rejections...haven't killed me. I've definitely improved at understanding how my mind works...enough so that the triggers aren't nearly as dangerous.

I've also been thinking and rethinking what is actually going on in my mind--there's an 'id' thing...the series of desires, pleasure, perhaps pain. It can come out in dreams...also when I'm conscious. The trick seems to be to get my conscious mind in sync with that...which it seems to be...so that the psyche in the middle doesn't become so goddamn obstructive.

It has been bad lately...I often CANNOT talk to women, although the destablising fear, as I mentioned, is much less. It seems to be compounded by stress, and it often actually takes the form of stress---kind of a barrier that I need to either understand, or circumvent....but cannot be punched through. It comes in as a reflex....the 'id' gets an idea, or a desire, my conscious mind might even be able to work with it for a minute or two...but when crunch time comes, BOOM.

I think I need to continue having the deepest subconscious and my conscious mind (love the terminology???) in touch with each other, and coax the middleman down to a level where we can all agree.

This is so bloody surreal...

But it's what's supposed to happen.

I feel like...if I can reconcile these 3 aspects of my mind...I can generally do whatever the hell I want.

The 'ids' are alright :)

Upcoming Conference

A week since the last post. So that impending panic, tightness, whatever that had begun to resurface is back in the extreme.

What' s causing it?

1. Chapter 5 (the data chapter). Sent in one part, but not the other....so it's hanging there and I can't focus with all the instability....

2. CAA conference. I'm not comfortable with my grasp of the statistics, and have been basically too anxious to write the damn paper. This is problematic...and combined with the thesis (which I'm struggling with because of the noise) it's adding extreme anxiety.

3. Can't talk to women at all. We know now that that's pretty closely linked with anxiety, but I've tried everything to get out of it (obviously that DOES NOT WORK)

so chapter, conference, and inability to talk to women. Causing extreme problems. And none of the "epiphanies" that I periodically come up with really have any effect the next day.

Let's look from a CAA perspective.

1. I'm anxious because I've hardly started the CAA project
BUT: the work is done--I just need to put it in the powerpoint

2. I'm anxious because I'm not comfortable with statistics and might not know the answers and look like a fool
BUT: I'm not supposed to be a statistician. I can refresh my memory. If I rehearse the material I'll be fine. IF I DON"T KNOW THE ANSWER TO A QUESTION< SO WHAT?

3. Women. Refuse to speak...at all...after trying everything
BUT: obviously this isn't ALWAYS the case.
also have been syaing "HI" more loudly than ever, and more consistently
it will take LOTS MORE TIME

January 27, 2010

Several months since my last update....this will be a brief review.

After the post in August, where I had just started with some direct stuff with great difficulty, I found myself able to be a bit more direct/assertive...maybe once a week. In October I had a great streak where I managed to get this girl Michelle in the Inst for a coffee within a few minutes of meeting her...tried to chat up this barmaid Marta, had some decent direct approaches--including almost (well, trying) to pull the move on Lisa--who's now a crazy friend of mine--after meeting her in Angel in September.

Noise is my head was bad, and still had the terror of working/writing, but made progress.

All the things with the women fell through, and I slipped back into chaos.

Somehow, SOMEHOW, I have managed to keep the writing going, and through a stream of epiphanies over the past several months, dealing with vision, panic, instability, loss of control, death, I basically came to the conclusion that much of the feeling of dread was AS SIMPLE AS NOT HAVING SOME WORK DONE WITH THE PHD....it caused extreme panic...and creeping dread. Which, given my problems, gets magnified 1000-fold.

So in any case, where am I now? 91,000 words written, generally decent self-esteem, and I notice that the noise in my head can really get set off--and last for long periods of time--with just a simple thing.

For example...the dread I was feeling was caused largely by not having written my theory chapter. It occupied my entire psyche, and i couldn't think, write, approach women, do anything. Complete paralysis...but somehow I was able to get the chapter written and submitted. Once that was out the door, things relaxed a bit...more and more...and things started to free up until I lost confidence in one of my major data chapters. Immediate stress hike, more, more, more, to the level of obsession (but, thankfully, NOT PANIC!!!!). noise in my head, talking to women--even though the fear isn't really there--becomes impossible.

Flat out brain lock. It makes it very hard to write....

Now, let's see what happens when this chapter DOES get finished (hopefully tomorrow but we'll see). Does the stress reduce? If so, can I talk to the girls?

I think that overall I'm a much more balanced person, and self-esteem is MUCH higher...the horrible, horrible instability and dread and incapacitation hasn't been there for awhile.

But the noise still is. I need to try to get a handle on this...so i can think clearly.