Felt incongruent with myself there--kept making stupid and well publicised mistakes--felt humiliated the entire time, although the project was fine. Difficulty working. I also notice that my last post was April 13--a full 3 weeks...4? before leaving for the trip. So after my bit of direct practice, I seem to have retreated--badly--into my own head.
That's where I am now. I've set up an appointment with a hypnotherapist tomorrow--it's only 45 pounds or so....so I don't HAVE to sign up for the entire treatment. I need to do something--I know I've only been back a week but the paralysis is killing me, killing my research, and basically causing oodles of trouble.
I need to let go....the Violent Internal Conflict is wrecking me.
ALL I FUCKING WANT TO DO IS TO BE MYSELF AROUND GIRLS AND TAKE A FEW RISKS!!!!!!! Why the FUCK does my subconscious refuse to let me be ME????
For the love of god, man, let go!
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