Confused

It's so easy to wonder whether or not I'm making progress--christ I don't even know if I know what progress is.  Out with Kedar last night--knew damn well I would feel the block after the solid night on Friday.  And I did.  Opened several that didn't do anything--no real energy--no real conversations--nice solid blowout from a moving group of 4--just asked for good bars around, but at least I tried to put my hand up a bit, rather than just talk at them.

Whatever--weak.  I wasn't feeling pressure--or the brain lock---just felt that anything I said would be stupid.  That one is easier to overcome, but I don't like it either.

I did a pseudo-direct one today to a group of 2 girls on the tube--just told one I liked her sunglasses.  Tried to use the "I'd compliment you too, but you're not wearing shades"--but the words stuck, I felt shy and meek...pretty crap.  I did try to push it a bit by asking where they were from, but it was completely off.  Met up with my student Alyson--felt quiet there as well--although sh'es nice.  Difficult to not stare at her chest--but I definitely felt the I -don't-iknow-how-to-escalate thing--even though I wasn't really planning to.  I was thinking today that all these times I say that I'm not afraid-maybe I really am scared as all fucking hell of being sexual--I tapped into that fear today with Alyson--and maybe it's more important than the other stupid blocks at the beginnning.  I did go to the Boogaloo on my own for a few minutes, and opened 1--poorly--the other one--fine.

Bit depressed today--but at least I tried a few things even though I was feeling shy and really off.

I haven't had any days with zero openers for awhile.  Guess that's good, but I really need to get something going.

Did I mentino the phone number idea?  Maybe if I work hard to get a number (not TOO hard), and wait on it a bit, that knowledge will help me to do it a few more times before the deal falls thru...

we'll see.

breakthru

OK, ok, I know that it can be dangerous to completely trust these--but I had a good night.

Slow start--although we got in a good interaction with a couple of girls who had a dog.  One got quite intense--quite quickly--I'm assuming she was interested.  Never assumed that before.

Things were slow after that, until Pitcher and Piano--I felt in state, although I wasn't really oening much.   I opened one girl--went nowhere, but I was pumped.  Tried to push Kedar--he wasn't budging--so he pushed me, and I rattled off 2 solid ones in a row--oe a 3 set of Waggish blonees..2 good things was that I went cheeky on them--one thought i said "do you have a hairy arse?"  which I didn't, but I said "we'll talk about that later".  Darker haired one was friendlier--nearer blonde not at all.  I called her on it with "you don't like me much do you? I love women like that!"  DIdn't win her over, but it turned her around a bit.

Another seated gropu of 3, something about the tulip on their table.  2 weren't into me at all--one blak girl was friendly.

Solid tube move on the way home--very cute girl wearing garlands--turned into a whole conversation, all the way home.

I didn't feel that, although I had some interest, and some off-and-on interest from the beginning, she was fiddling with/looking at her ipod a fair bit on the way home, especially towards the second part of the ride.  I didn't really flirt--more at the beginning--as she was flirting more at the beginning as well.  Somewhere in there I shoudl have suggested she was cute/sexy, whatever.  At one point she joked that I randomly said something about garlands to a complete stranger--that would have been a window.

Ah well.  Live and learn.  SHe was a cutie tho!

Paralysis

OK.  Last post was Wednesday.

Today I felt this absolutely horrible paralysis (actually felt that in combination with the fear-of-work thing that I go through sometimes.  It's awful.  Really awful.)

At the same time, I probably did 6 or 8 approaches today.  

Lately I've been feeling a disconnect between thought and feeling.  THe feelings seem to be favorable--more open than I ever remember.  As if they want me to do this.  The negative thought cycles, though, are horrific.  So what does this all mean?

When I let go, I'm fine.  When I think, I'm not.  But telling myself not to think doesn't work.  I somehow need to let go.

I haven't really focused on my issues with direct stuff--or, to get out of the lingo--making it obvious that I'm sexually attracted to someone.  Hell, it even feels a bit strange writing it.  That may have something to do with the danger here.

I can ask for directions.  No problem--except that when I'm in the paralysis it almost feels worse--like it's compounding my paralysis.

I can ask for advice--sometimes.  Today I asked a couple people where to take friends of mine around London.  Didn't go great, but so what.

-as I'm writing this I'm experiencing some of that awful feeling--what's going on?

Let's up the ante.

I can occasionally--and even sometimes--do random, fun comments, which I like.  I saw a girl in the inst. today, and said "I bet you've just gotten an essay back"....continued to tease her about it.  That's the me--in-the now--that I like.  And it works--very well.  But not with the paralysis.

Let's up it a bit more.  Direct.  I'm interested--I find you attractive--you're sexy--I'm only talking to you because I find you incredibly sexy.  This isn't developed yet--and somehow it's horrifying.  The knot of fear that I sometimes feel when I'm trying to work, and this block--seem to be similar, or at least related.  Now, I almost feel like throwing up.  Nervous--but a horrible nervousness...like I'm going to snap or something....

THe CBT stuff says to list the possible negatives--and counter them with positives.   Well, why don't I try.

Why am I afraid of randomly suggesting sexual interest?

It's against protocol. Well, so what?  It's impressive--and even if SHE isn't impressed--I damn well will be!

I'll get rejected.   You know what?  Good chance.  But it's a learning experience--and I'll get accepted too.

I'm not good/cool/practiced/slick enough.   Again.  Maybe not.  BUt the cool factor increases--and again it's a good way in.  

So why else?  Why don't I do this?  I think the fear is deeper--those doors in the dreams.  Pinned down.  But I think that if I face them, and practice at least a few of these, that fear will lessen, and allow me to move ahead with who I really am.  I'll get shot down to high hell lots of times. But nothing wrong with that!

But the fear--I feel it now.  Chills, even as I'm writing this.

A Wednesday

Not going to write much--high on tea, caffeine and procrastination.  I tapped last night--specifically on procrastination, and it helped for the first half of the day--then I shifted back into the obsessive cycle.  Maybe doing this a few times a day will help?  In any case, I got about 1000 words down, so that's ok, although well short of what I wanted to do.  I still think I'm only doing at most a few hours of work a day--although perhaps I can count some thinking and stressing---

Anyway--met up with Kedar in Old street, went to Hoxton.  I wasn't really feeling positive or negative--although still torn in all directions about where to begin, confusion about styles, etc.  The LSS is UNHEALTHY for me in the obsessive state--I need to stay AWAY.  Checking a few times a day for advice is fine--but NO MORE....tapping may help here.

I was intimitdated by the trendiness at first--didn't stop anyone on the street, althoug hI've been feeling more and more what I really need to do--which is, really, be myself.  REALLY myself--just free to say or do what I want.  We hit the Electric Showrooms first--no one there--moved on to, I think, the  Hoxton Kitchen (both good places--although maybe I should trend myself up a bit!).  I immediately opened a blond with "Are you from Denmark?" for no reason. DIdn't go well--she said no and turned away, and my follow ups were weak and felt apologetic.  But it was a RANDOM opening, which felt a bit of a relief--I didn't need to pull back from looking stupid or anything.  Next set was at the bar next to me, asked something about food--weak opener.  Then a girl in trendy glasses--and I opened strong.  "You know--those are really cool glasses--very trendy!" but again, weak followup.  I wasn't particularly interested in any of these 3, but still could have stayed in a bit more.  We then went back to Electric--I opened a cuie at the bar with something about other good bars--I guessed (wrongly) that she was Australian.  Here with her boyfirend anyway, so nothing.  Kedar wanted to leave early--but at the end I strongly stopped 2 girls in the street with a jog up to them, and asked some question about other places to go.  None of these sets went particularly well, but I didn't particularly care.  iNot an intersting night, but perhaps some progress moving past the hump.

Positives:

Opened 3 in a row

More comfortable in Old Street environment, even though I'm not looking the part

Paying close attention to what I'm doing

Needs work

Now that I'm feeling more and more comfortable with these, I have to focus HEAVILY on body language, projection, and continuing the conversation.  I know how to do this--and have done it often.  This part shouldn't be a problem--but I need to feel the positives.  I also have to reintroduce the touching and learn the escalation.  No opportunities tonight, but there definitely can be.  Soon.  Maybe tomorrow ;)

All over the place

Jesus...

So after my mental snap last night--which seemed to release some tension although it felt completely whacked--I tried again today.  This after having little success with the thesis stuff today--wrote about 500 words, hated all of it.  I need to let go.  Of EVERYTHING.  The pressure is too fucking high.  I want a vacation.

But I'm keeping at the pullin' stuff.  Met Trafalgar 5:30--didn't do anything good...kept wanting to  do the direct stuff but not doing it---this cycle is completely dangerous.  When can I relax??  Anger seems to have pushed me over the top today--opened 2 girls--1 from Montreal, and friendly--her British friend--not so much.  I just commented on the Travel store we were going past.  Felt good.

At the Porterhouse--I didn't really say anything--and it felt JUST LIKE those Hillel Barbecues!  I'll try to tap that tonight.

Opened a girl with a simple tube question, and two Germans on the tube.

So again--the multiple set thing is better.  But I need a break--or to get past this!!  I'm TIRED!!!!!!!  I hope I do ok on the PhD--really struggling with the writing so far....

Insanity

God.

Anxiety today--not great state tonight (due to the knots in my brain from fighting off panic, etc) but still a lot of opens.  Kedar was OFF.   Not going to talk much about them--talked to the shot-girl at Langley (actually a Playboy model!).  Good interaction--I was unresponsive to the talk about modelling/playboy/etc.   Much improvement.  Kedar said my body language looked really good.  Opened a few in OnAnon--one hottie in a denim skirt gave me a withering stare--another one was a drive-by-opener and didn't do anything--asked a blonde if she had ever been to Tiger Tiger--good interaction for a couple minutes.

Few more--nothing interesting or good. I WANT TO TRY THE DIRECT STUFF!!!  I don't expect great responses at the beginning--but i NEED to undo this knot--it's killing me!

I started to realize (as is often the case) that the knot seemed to be worsened by the fact that I'm not feeling well--sickness seems to correlate with insanity for me, somehow.  Once I realized that, I went nuts--thoughts kept breaking up, images kept going back and forth--tough to explain.  It was weird.  A bit liberating, but weird.  I had to go home.

Good news is that I worked about 8 or so openers in a weird state--Kedar did a couple, but was VERY frustrated.

Positives

I'm in the middle of one of these long-standing anxiety things, but I'm going to focus on the positives of the Game, and where I am now.

1. I am no longer afraid of women.

2. I no longer hate women.

3. I have made  more approaches than I ever thought possible.

4. After a LONG break (think the last phone number I got was from that girl Poppy pre-Turkmenistan) I got a girl's contact info--not attractive, and she has a boyfriend, but she was keen on me getting in touch w/her and her crew.  Travel agent in Africa--my Turkmen/Mongolia stories really connected with her.

5. I am seeing and recognising these connections--and how COMMON they are!  So I get shot down some--I really can connect with people.

6. I've been doing this, methodically--at least 2 nights a week--and trying on my own whenever I can.

7. Although the anxiety is bad--the thought blocking and memory issues are MUCH better.

8.  I'm generally much more confident--much better self-esteem--even though sometimes it's hard to see through the blocks...

9.  I''m ENJOYING the game process--it's hellish sometimes and painful sometimes--but it's POSITIVE.

10.  I'm confident that I'm taking the right approach, and can really cure myself.

ANXIETY!!!!! arrrrrrgh

HELL!!

Seems to be ok in the morning--I try to keep it at bay all day--then I think about something and it goes haywire.  

"State" seems to help it--temporarily.  "Out-of-state" seems to worsen it--temporarily.  I was thinking tonight about my mood swings wrt Theresa back in the day...Rebecca later on---and how they were directly tied to any particular feeling about these girls.  It's absolutely stunning the power that--what I think is--external validation seems to have on me.  Today I thought that it might be related to the self-trust/vision thing--not trusting a sense of reality, etc. etc.  So, since nothing CONCRETE has happened in this area--anything that goes well, if not followed up--falls back to the non-trust zone, and I go insane.

One positive, I guess--is that the feelings aren't as immediate as they were in 2002 or so--changing within minutes.  But the anxiety attacks--or whatever they are--can last a LONG TIME--and what's really concerning is that I CAN DO NO WORK when they're around.  Ottery stuff--PhD....whatever.   

I don't know what finding a girlfriend--or getting regular sex--will do specifically--I can't predict that.  Moreover, I don't know what a bad breakup might do.  But no sense worrying.  At least I know that--even in these hellish periods--I can still talk to women more than I used to (although I'm far more outcome dependent in these cases, which makes it that much harder).

I don't think I mentined my meeting with Andy (Yosha from the forum).  He showed me a bit of real direct game--a casual jog--look the girl in the face--stop them in a confident but non-threatening way--he showed me once--and it looked so smooth!  Just--completely natural!  The girl stopped--entertained him for a second--but had to take a phone call.  It was really....pretty!

I can do this.

I know I can do this.

The real me is as much this as the other, negative stuff.  I'm going to learn to enjoy me.

anxiety...

Anxiety is not great today--but not bad.  In any case, I handled it and got through a fair amount of work.  I believe, and hope, that it's linked to general negativity--and that the increasingly positive moods through the pua stuff really help me.  Screw this--no more "pua" lingo--the increased success I have With Women...

No Kedar today--no goin' out on the prowl--but still had some opens--and they weren't bad.

ON the way to the tube--saw 2 women saying a loud farewell (UK style!)  so jokingly commented on the "high energy goodbyes".  She was friendly--short interaction.

Overheard 3 girls on the street talking about a museum--asked about the Babylon one.  Response was fine--didn't try to push anything.  But I'm definitely better with groups--much less uncomfortable--and strangely I'm hardly even noticing!  That's a good thing.

1 or two jokes with girls in the lift today--along with a "You're an archaeologist, right?"--good interaction.  I'm actually getting quite good at these enclosed space ones--friendly and high energy--but NOT in a way that makes people feel uncomfortable.  I think I understand the point of high energy now--it really does dispell creepiness--because you FEEL the interaction.  I need to keep this up.

Another high energy one passing two girls with shopping bags--"Wow--you guys did some serious shopping!"  They laughed--maybe politely--and there wasn't an exchange--but that's still not bad.  

Next step--keep at this, obviously--but I need to be happy with these 3-5 a day.  That's really not bad--considering where I used to be!  

So...thoughts...

Positives...

1. Better with groups--IMPORTANT!!

2. Better with energy

3. Out of state less often---and definitely less pressure lately!

4. Not being competely thrown even know I'm not going to do nightgame until Friday or so...

Needs Improvement--

1. Falling into anxiety and mental chaos when I'm out of state.  As I just said--this is better but there's a long way to go.

un-BAH

OK.  Today was actually a far more productive day than it felt--got a couple hours of work done at school.  

Asked a girl in Gordon Sq. park about the path she takes (as per our discussion group--it was fine--talked for a minute.  Nothing doing.)

I felt the mental block all day (despite doing some positive thinking self-hypnosis last night--which I actually did well on.  I really called up all of the good interactions with women I could think of--and they really flowed pretty freely).  When I met up w/K in Trafalgar Sq., I was definitely feeling the block, but suggested that we split up for 10 minutes or so and try a few.  I did--very short side comments, but at least it was something.  Of course now I realize that they don't really help me, but at least they get me out in the world, interacting.

We walked to the South Bank then back--don't think I said anything down there at all.  But then--I proposed a CHALLENGE (which went well with Charlie back in January).  We were in the middle of nowhere, but I said let's do 5 in 20 minutes.  Then we went into a pub.  Opened an American girl from Santa Barbara--"what--are you in hiding?"  friendly--her boyfriend came back so I continued the banter for a minute or two to not look awkward.  Then we played the quiz machine--I mentioned something about it to 2 more American girls standing behind me, but dead in the water.  Maybe if my positioning was better--ie closer to them rather than calling from a machine, it woudl have helped.

We got to Traf sq.  and I did well--we set the challenge for 3 opens in 10 minutes--and I did them.  There was a cool projection of the Picasso exhibit on the National Gallery, so it served as a good conversation starter.  I asked 3 sets--1 British, 1 Italian, and 1 group of 3 Czech girls--what it was all about.  The first two didn't go anywhere--the third went well--ended up chatting about Picasso and what not--and I was watching the reaction of all 3.  There was a not-so attractive blond in the middle who I was talking to the most--a quieter brunette next to her--she answered a question or two, but don't think I won her over--and the cutest of the three who was interacting quite well.  I guessed they were French--they were Czech.  There's SO MUCH I could have done with that--but I ejected well, and said I had to get back to my friend who's lost around Traf. somewhere....overall a good interaction.

Great ineraction w/Swedish barmaid at the Roadhouse--teasing/challenging/she was playing the friendly snob, but in a cool way.  Great vibe there.  Went to Porterhouse--quick exchange there--and a blowout at the Langley--but the girl had a boyfriend there, I think.  Didn't have the guts to approach the seated group of 3-5 girls dressed in black...should have.  Could have.  Did have a good chat w/Kedar about atheism, though.

Kedar's definitely noticing the change in me--and he's getting more confident himself, although he had an off night and was frustrated by my challenge.  I am realizing that I'm absolutely KILLING myself on these openers--and I should STOP, since I'm really making good progress!  In a lot of ways I'm actually ahead of where I was last year in terms of overall self-esteem, and this is a great thing.  So fucking WHAT if I let a bunch of girls go by on the street?  Aren't these things more important--and eventually they'll lessen the pressure so I will be able to chat up whomever I want.  I have to keep working on the openers for practice and desensitisation--but perhaps I should develop holistically, and this will follow.

Positives:  

Several sets--some flirting, good banter--and some re-openers

Becoming pretty unreactive

Even though I have the mental knot, still worked it

Some realizations--opening randoms isn't the biggest deal in the world and I can let go of it and still be fine

Negative

STOP BEING AFRAID OF PEOPLE SITTING DOWN

Need to package myself better on many of the openers...cut down on random comments, etc.

Stay in set MUCH more often

Eject later

Need to pay more attention to the people IN the set