After the post in August, where I had just started with some direct stuff with great difficulty, I found myself able to be a bit more direct/assertive...maybe once a week. In October I had a great streak where I managed to get this girl Michelle in the Inst for a coffee within a few minutes of meeting her...tried to chat up this barmaid Marta, had some decent direct approaches--including almost (well, trying) to pull the move on Lisa--who's now a crazy friend of mine--after meeting her in Angel in September.
Noise is my head was bad, and still had the terror of working/writing, but made progress.
All the things with the women fell through, and I slipped back into chaos.
Somehow, SOMEHOW, I have managed to keep the writing going, and through a stream of epiphanies over the past several months, dealing with vision, panic, instability, loss of control, death, I basically came to the conclusion that much of the feeling of dread was AS SIMPLE AS NOT HAVING SOME WORK DONE WITH THE PHD....it caused extreme panic...and creeping dread. Which, given my problems, gets magnified 1000-fold.
So in any case, where am I now? 91,000 words written, generally decent self-esteem, and I notice that the noise in my head can really get set off--and last for long periods of time--with just a simple thing.
For example...the dread I was feeling was caused largely by not having written my theory chapter. It occupied my entire psyche, and i couldn't think, write, approach women, do anything. Complete paralysis...but somehow I was able to get the chapter written and submitted. Once that was out the door, things relaxed a bit...more and more...and things started to free up until I lost confidence in one of my major data chapters. Immediate stress hike, more, more, more, to the level of obsession (but, thankfully, NOT PANIC!!!!). noise in my head, talking to women--even though the fear isn't really there--becomes impossible.
Flat out brain lock. It makes it very hard to write....
Now, let's see what happens when this chapter DOES get finished (hopefully tomorrow but we'll see). Does the stress reduce? If so, can I talk to the girls?
I think that overall I'm a much more balanced person, and self-esteem is MUCH higher...the horrible, horrible instability and dread and incapacitation hasn't been there for awhile.
But the noise still is. I need to try to get a handle on this...so i can think clearly.
