OK...

It's July 10, I got back on June 20, put up that post about the Violent Internal Conflict, and find myself struggling horribly.

3 sessions with the hypnotherapist.

Things that help in the moment--

Relaxation/self-hypnosis/odd chat to an odd person/etc.

These are fine, as far as they go. But there is NEVER a day when I'm free of my hindrances. Doing the wing/PUA/practice crap does not do anything for me.

It is possible that tons of practice may desensitise me somewhat, but there are too many triggers out there.

I can't fight the triggers. I have epiphanies almost daily, and think I've gotten through, but I haven't.

Let me look at the triggers--at least in the dating field.

1. I see someone alone at a tube station.

2. I see a few people at a time.

3. I see attractive people

4. I anticipate trying to move things past the initial point.

5. I have something in mind to say, but not sure how it will sound.

6. I see women in bars.

These are all violent triggers, and send me into a negative spree. Once in there, I cannot fight my way out--and even if I do once or twice, it MEANS NOTHING.

So I need to tread very carefully, and navigate in such a way that I don't set off the triggers too violently, but that I still progress. I'm envisioning this as a compromise with the subconscious--maybe I'm not meant to try so hard. But I fear that if I don't try this hard, I'll be stuck where I am now.

I'm not like these forum folks--I have deep, social anxiety/fear/whatever issues, and I need to be careful. Interestingly, I seem to feel the best when I realize, even for the moment, that I need this to be a negotiated settlement with my unconscious--not a war. I hope I get myself on my own side!!!!!