January 27, 2010

Several months since my last update....this will be a brief review.

After the post in August, where I had just started with some direct stuff with great difficulty, I found myself able to be a bit more direct/assertive...maybe once a week. In October I had a great streak where I managed to get this girl Michelle in the Inst for a coffee within a few minutes of meeting her...tried to chat up this barmaid Marta, had some decent direct approaches--including almost (well, trying) to pull the move on Lisa--who's now a crazy friend of mine--after meeting her in Angel in September.

Noise is my head was bad, and still had the terror of working/writing, but made progress.

All the things with the women fell through, and I slipped back into chaos.

Somehow, SOMEHOW, I have managed to keep the writing going, and through a stream of epiphanies over the past several months, dealing with vision, panic, instability, loss of control, death, I basically came to the conclusion that much of the feeling of dread was AS SIMPLE AS NOT HAVING SOME WORK DONE WITH THE PHD....it caused extreme panic...and creeping dread. Which, given my problems, gets magnified 1000-fold.

So in any case, where am I now? 91,000 words written, generally decent self-esteem, and I notice that the noise in my head can really get set off--and last for long periods of time--with just a simple thing.

For example...the dread I was feeling was caused largely by not having written my theory chapter. It occupied my entire psyche, and i couldn't think, write, approach women, do anything. Complete paralysis...but somehow I was able to get the chapter written and submitted. Once that was out the door, things relaxed a bit...more and more...and things started to free up until I lost confidence in one of my major data chapters. Immediate stress hike, more, more, more, to the level of obsession (but, thankfully, NOT PANIC!!!!). noise in my head, talking to women--even though the fear isn't really there--becomes impossible.

Flat out brain lock. It makes it very hard to write....

Now, let's see what happens when this chapter DOES get finished (hopefully tomorrow but we'll see). Does the stress reduce? If so, can I talk to the girls?

I think that overall I'm a much more balanced person, and self-esteem is MUCH higher...the horrible, horrible instability and dread and incapacitation hasn't been there for awhile.

But the noise still is. I need to try to get a handle on this...so i can think clearly.

gaining congruity...

I've started--with incredible difficulty--to be able to go up to a few women over the course of a week, and say something at least partially direct. "You've got a great style", "You have the coolest look", etc. This has taken me an eternity to accomplish, and I think I have a long, slow journey ahead...

But it is coming.

OK...

It's July 10, I got back on June 20, put up that post about the Violent Internal Conflict, and find myself struggling horribly.

3 sessions with the hypnotherapist.

Things that help in the moment--

Relaxation/self-hypnosis/odd chat to an odd person/etc.

These are fine, as far as they go. But there is NEVER a day when I'm free of my hindrances. Doing the wing/PUA/practice crap does not do anything for me.

It is possible that tons of practice may desensitise me somewhat, but there are too many triggers out there.

I can't fight the triggers. I have epiphanies almost daily, and think I've gotten through, but I haven't.

Let me look at the triggers--at least in the dating field.

1. I see someone alone at a tube station.

2. I see a few people at a time.

3. I see attractive people

4. I anticipate trying to move things past the initial point.

5. I have something in mind to say, but not sure how it will sound.

6. I see women in bars.

These are all violent triggers, and send me into a negative spree. Once in there, I cannot fight my way out--and even if I do once or twice, it MEANS NOTHING.

So I need to tread very carefully, and navigate in such a way that I don't set off the triggers too violently, but that I still progress. I'm envisioning this as a compromise with the subconscious--maybe I'm not meant to try so hard. But I fear that if I don't try this hard, I'll be stuck where I am now.

I'm not like these forum folks--I have deep, social anxiety/fear/whatever issues, and I need to be careful. Interestingly, I seem to feel the best when I realize, even for the moment, that I need this to be a negotiated settlement with my unconscious--not a war. I hope I get myself on my own side!!!!!

Violent Internal Conflict

Back from Turkmenistan. As of Saturday, June 20.

Felt incongruent with myself there--kept making stupid and well publicised mistakes--felt humiliated the entire time, although the project was fine. Difficulty working. I also notice that my last post was April 13--a full 3 weeks...4? before leaving for the trip. So after my bit of direct practice, I seem to have retreated--badly--into my own head.

That's where I am now. I've set up an appointment with a hypnotherapist tomorrow--it's only 45 pounds or so....so I don't HAVE to sign up for the entire treatment. I need to do something--I know I've only been back a week but the paralysis is killing me, killing my research, and basically causing oodles of trouble.

I need to let go....the Violent Internal Conflict is wrecking me.

ALL I FUCKING WANT TO DO IS TO BE MYSELF AROUND GIRLS AND TAKE A FEW RISKS!!!!!!! Why the FUCK does my subconscious refuse to let me be ME????

For the love of god, man, let go!

ah.

Last night (Sun.) I chatted up a brunette from Michigan.  She was conducting a "social experiment" to see who would talk to her.  I was the only one who did.

I tried to talk to 3 Italians--no dice.

Chatted up a musiican--gave her a quizzical look then started talking.  Myspace exchange.  I emailed her...nothing yet.  

Today.  Talked to a swedish girl this morning.

tried a few in Clapham with Kedar.

Direct open on sense of style--Byelorussian chick.  Friendly chat--she was shocked.  DIdn't go anywhere.  Felt bloody great, though.

I think I have something with my New Plan!

The most important thing now is to work my way up and see that results are REAL

New Plan!

Not sure if i mentioned in the last post, but I found an online article which was really helpful--so much so that I emailed teh guy to tell him so.

Anyway, his idea is to pick something you really want to do, and not allow yourself to do it until you've done your approaches.  I did this, and combined it with something else I was apprehensive about--going out alone on a Friday night.  Actually, it was really helpful!

I said that i would not allow myself to leave (which I wanted to do) unti lI had 5 legitimate attempts--not directions, time, etc.  Or 2 direct ones.  It was still tough--but I did it--and I probably had 6, including several where I just went up and started chatting.  Including two cute girls at the Living Room.  Lots of missed opportunities as well, but that's fine.  I definitely realised that I needed to pull out of hte conversation early most of the time--I could have stayed there on at least three of them, but didn't.  That part will take some work.

But I did well--and I may have a plan that helps me overcome this.  We'll see how it goes.

Assessment

I'm going to try to honestly assess where I am now--what progress I've made--what areas need work--which areas that FELT like progress were false hopes, and which areas that feel like i haven't progressed are really not that bad.

So let's see.

I read the Game around a year and a half ago, maybe more.

Positives:  

1. I have consistently been talking to women I don't know--nearly every day--even though it FEELS like I haven't :)

2. My self-esteem has really increased--and I really think that the realisations I had around Decmeber through Feb. have really helped that.  Looks/height/vision/insecurities have much less of an effect, and this is extremely important.

3. I think I understand where my memory/processing/etc goes when it vanishes.  I'm not completely cured, but I definitely see the mental blocks that contribute to it.  Overall mental state is consistently better--although the Internal Conflict is still very, very powerful.

4. I have learned A LOT about flirting, women, dating, etc. etc.  And I've been using it.  Gone are the "I don't know how to flirt--is she flirting?  What's a come on?  How do I make a move?" feelings.  Sometimes they resurface, but there IS a place I can go if I need some work or explanations--the forum--even though it's a mad, creepy place with lots of conflicting advice.

5. I've learned to recognise a lot of social cues that I never really picked up on before--even people looking at ME, although I still have trouble with this one.

Needs Work:

1. The internal conflict is really intense--and continues to deeply affect my work.  This is a serious problem--I continue to be OBSESSED with fixing it, to the detriment of everything else I should be doing.  If I were free of this, I would feel comfortable doing 7 or8 hours and not feel like I have to continue to dwell on this.  I'm at the core of the stuff I've been feeling since college--maybe before, so I think I'll have to contend with it awhile longer.  As long as I can try to dwell on the success, maybe I can relax a bit.

2. I continue to have horrible trouble walking up to girls I don't know and saying random things.  I would really like to suggest my intent--as in "You've got a great presence about you.."..or "I thought you were cute" but it's still like jumping off a cliff.  The direct stuff is probably putting so much pressure on me that I can't do ANYTHING--this is probably a by-product of spending too much time on that forum.  At the same time, I think that a few simple DATES may alleviate it a bit...but it's a freakin' Catch 22!!!

Tomorrow, I'm going to really try to let go of the obsession, and not worry about it so much. It's my weakest point.  Still not COMPLETELY sure why, but I'll have to learn to trust my abilities in other parts of the game--still developing, but with more solid progress.  So instead of trying to get rid of my approach problems, I'm going to try to say "fuck it--that's the way it is--but I'll work on the other stuff".  Ultimately, that's probably the key to relaxing a bit and getting on with my life!