Snap!

Hi folks! (although I don't think anyone reads this)

Think I may post it on the LSS at some point--although there's a part of me that doesn't want to fall TOO far into this.

Anyway, New Years came and went--and I think that I may be ready to actually act on the 09 resolutions.

Sabra and Rob's party was, objectively, a great party--but I wasn't all there--too focused on this stuff. But a knot seems to have lifted in the last week or so.

On the 25th, right before I left, I really thought about the origins of the distractions and my head--and looked at the transition between college and Boston. What was it about T that, while painful, didn't seem to cause the level of noise, and overall damage, as with R--or even when K left to move back to DC? Somehow, pinpointing that onset seems to have released--if not all--several of the hangups. I'm still feeling foggy, but the distraction seems to have vanished--and athis is going on two weeks now.

Once I got back, I got back in touch with Kedar--luckily he's as serious as I am about getting through the whole hangup with women.

Anyway, we met up in Hyde Park, but nothing was really happening. Actually, he opened really strongly with a nice scarf complement--but I didn't have it in me, and it dropped off.

Last Friday, we met up in Brick Lane--pretty dead (we were looking for a Bagel shop [on brick lane?!] for about 45 minutes--definitely some people about, but again, wasn't happening. I don't think we opened anyone on Brick Lane, but we walked all the way down to the South Bank--it was empty, but prety fun anyway. I chatted to a couple of Korean girls--just "what language are you speaking?"--lasted a couple minutes.

Out with Kedar again Tuesday--again we were both pretty blocked, although he's been telling me about this guy Yad who he signed up for 4 hours of coaching with.

Few openers, nothing good. However, about 2 or 3 days ago, something seems to have snapped again--I tried to focus on (and tap away!) some of the Social Anxiety onsets--looking at the Circle D incident from first grade, and events in middle school. It really seems to have helped! A LOT of the aa--the paralysis stuff at least--and the horrible cyclical negative thinking--seems to have loosened up! Now I've been opening--slowly, and often weakly, but the thoughts are either that I dont feel like it, or I have nothing to say, etc. These are normal, nervous things, and I can work with them. The paralysis was horrible--it was the same paralysis as the fear. It may be gone. I hope so.

But it's getting better. More directions, more general, random comments.

Now it'll just be a run-down.

Yesterday on tube, I asked a girl about her Israel/Palestine flyer. Schoolgirl, but fun conversation
Day before yesterday, tube conversation--just noticed someone looking at my paper, so I offered it to her. Stalled there, but picked it up again with another comment on another paper.
Today--out with Charlie again. Some ok ones, some bad ones, nothing great--but it's all practice--did around 5 with him, probably 3 otherwise.
Asked a woman where a good pub was, followed it up w/comment about her accent.
complimeneted a girl on her skirt--it was obvious what I was doing, so didn't really go well.
Chatted to a girl about photography--actually did this twice, once on the way, and once with Charlie. Both were foreign, neither went particularly well, but so what.

The failures are, I think, largely due to fairly weak--not well directed/intended--openers.

Things to work on:

1. Chat with more people
2. Be HAPPY about what I'm doing--enjoy the interaction, and be bold about it!
3. Transition.

let's get this down a bit better--then I can focus on escalation.

I have, however, been flirting/chatting more with people in cafes/bars, etc, so this is good.

I'm rambling--

outta here.