Obsessive Thinking.

I have become a member of the LSS--one of the 20 "strangest societies in London"--although surprisingly with a share of quite normal people.

One of the posts there referenced a guy's constant changes in confidence "state" level--according to hime, his state switched on and off more than a light switch.

I can relate. In this regard, at least, I am not mentally stable--although this doesn't strike me as "bipolar" as some of the forum guys seem to mention.

It is this that is making the journey an extremely difficult struggle for me--although I have always been convinced that, although there are deeper issues than my lack of success with women, this is the most symbolic issue for me--and the one that, once resolved, will knock my brain back in order.

CBT therapists (which I've tried, halfheartedly, and unsuccessfully) often have you document thoughts and feelings as they happen. I have found that to be, for me at least, a bit of fluff--but this may be because I know myself so incredibly well after being through intensive therapy for much of my life. I know myself. Excellently--and this is both an incredible gift and a curse. Self awareness and understanding is not the problem.

But perhaps I should track things--for my own edification and recall, and possibly to share with others (this is, after all, group therapy) I started things awhile back, so will forget a lot. But I'll try to do better. A PUA journal.. You've seen these before.


First I want to talk about today. Met up with Kedar--cool guy, nice bloke--a normal guy with woman issues--like me. Strolled around a steamin' Hyde Park, heading out from speaker's corner.

He began with a simple direction question. I was stalling--passed several approachable people

My attempts:
1. 3 girls, sitting next to 2 older people on a bench. Simple "speaker's corner" directions--bombed.

2. 2 girls, accent from somewhere. Maybe Russian. "What do you think of this place?" Lukewarm response--asked if they had gone to Speaker's Corner, etc. nothing interesting.

3. 2 girls, walking. "Excuse me--can you distinguish between an American accent and a Canadian one?" Said nothing--continued walking. I looked like an idiot, but Kedar was very helpful.

4. 2 greek girls--taking a picture. Kedar asked if he could take them--a polite no thanks. Dark haired one was leaning against an inner tube towards the water, so I pretended to push her in. Her blonde friend encouraged this. I then asked them to take a picture of me. We got to talking abuot where we're all from--I gave them crap for guessing Australia, and we kept missing where they were from--finally guessed Greece and I took a wild stab at Thessaloniki. One of them was from there. A bit of banter about Kythera...then moved on.

5. Chatted with a cute Italian and her amazing salsa dancin' friend? boyfriend? I teased her a lot--about not salsa dancing, about her prejudices against Northern England, then her friend came back. Fun.

6. Pointed out the salsa to a couple American girls "Hey--there's salsa over there". "Thanks!" nothing doing.

7. Map questions at tube...nothing doing.

8. Couple of direction questions in road afterwards...nothing.

9. Asked 2 girls if they wanted McDonalds fries. Nothing doing.

10. This morning, gave an Italian girl my number--asked her if there were any fun parks in the area, then we started chatting about Italy, etc. Not flirtatious, but I said we should get coffee sometime...she doesn't give her number out. Whatever.

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Now, let's look at my successes--> Phone numbers, Dates, Good interaction, Action.

Few practice runs with negs before Turkmenistan, 2007, lively responses. Chatting up waitresses more, that sort of thing. This was all early. Also the date with that Polish girl, Monica, which dead ended. Went to T-Stan, returned October, felt screwed up until probably november.

Ah. One fake number before going to T-stan-busted on some girl who couldn't get her oyster card to work.

November, Rain. ;) She asked me out. I kept trying to solidify the date--maybe too hard. In the end we got a drink at the union, but it went nowhere...then she seemed to start avoiding me.

Michelle. Sophie. Charlene. Asked for numbers, got them...all in acquaintance zone. Botched the night out with michelle--got really quiet and holed up...was she into me? who knows. teased a lot in the arch building.

Alex. Late november. Stunning--absolutely stunning--red-head. She walked into the door I busted on her for it. Then asked if she was at the Bloomsbury show or something. Moved into conversation about common friends, she walked with me down the street. I teased her about her hair colour. SHe had a phone call, but didn't take it. She gave me her number.

She was gorgeous. I called the next day, talked FAST, askaed her out for the same day, couldn't do it, then the whole thing went down from there.

Tristan. Asked her what she thought of the music. Great interaction, then I moved up to challenging her on the whole "i don't have any hobbies" thing. Positive number exchange, then name exchange...but she backed off when I texted her.

Email close from Israeli girl at my bus stop. Asked her something simple, about a bus schedule. Normal question. Almost set a date for a curry joint--I think I should have gone with that and set the time immediately.

Offered M&M's to a gorgeous blonde at Leytonstone. Nothing doing. Asked her how to get to Walthamstow--ie could I walk? Too far. Got to talking---connected on Durham--I teased her about her attire in a houses of parliament thing...got her number. Called her 2 days later, but she had too much to do.

A few other Walthamstow queries...a few tourist queries...a few what time is it queries...a few what are you eating queries...some what are you reading...chatting with girls in shops...etc.

The day 2. Jenny. Simple "hope I'm not crowding you" deal--but friendly. Asked her about family, teased about whatever...geology, etc. etc. etc. "We should go out for a coffee sometime". Think I asked what the best way to get in contact with her was. Gave me facebook, but the date actually went well for awhile---until it stalled out a bit toward the end. Maybe I shoud have touched her/suggested my interest earlier. Or at all. I didn't.

Durham student. Energetically commented on her sweatshirt. Great conversation--I left awkwardly.

Lots of offhanded type comments--almost mumbled. "Crazy bag there" "Cool hat", "know where yo u're going?"

These don't work. I have to stand there, and SPEAK. And usually natural conversation is better...if I'm overthinking and it's a product of that, it's off.

Now, more intense stuff. I'm getting much better at the challenging, questioning, teasing, cockiness, attitude, stuff. And, perhaps MOST importantly, I'm getting better at not being afraid of emotions. I'll ask about feelings, passions, and forcefully challenge people for not doing what I think they should be doing (perhaps I phrase it differently :) ) These interactions have been often very solid, keep conversation going for a while--gorgeous Polish woman (who was with her annoying Mexican friend/boyfriend) was seemingly enthralled with conversation. Brooke and Rania I criticized heavily for BS about crap relatinoships--neither was driven away, but--I don't know what the word is. I felt powerful. Then Sherry--same stuff with her. I worked hard on seriously complimenting her when it felt right--she was somewhat confused by it--but I kissed her the second time out, when I was even more forceful with it. First "SOI"--"you're cute, Sherry"...with reference to something. Then "You've become much more of an interesting person". Put my arm around her.

In these regards, which are very deep, I'm changing dramatically. The intensity stuff is something that's started to come out more in March, I think--so quite recently. It FEELS powerful. It FEELS sexy. Christ, I turn MYSELF on when I act that way. I absolutely can't WAIT to use it more on dates---possibly even Michelle D. next time we're out.

THIS is the passion that I've always had--it's real--and while the community stuff has been wonderful in letting me know that it's ok to bring some of this out, and how to cultivate it, I need to be careful not to become to obsessed with Tactic A vs. Tactic B.

I have not slept with anyone (since Game) yet--have only had 1 date (well, a couple undefined things with friends), and some phone numbers. I can't focus on the negatives and keep looking at the Community's advice to get me through them. A few pointers, yes. But there is an entire person here that I have completely suppressed my entire life that is waiting to come out.

If I rely on teh community too much, it won't come out, and will wreck my already horribly obsessive mind. I need to take these tools, and allow myself to develop.

I am close.