ah.

Last night (Sun.) I chatted up a brunette from Michigan.  She was conducting a "social experiment" to see who would talk to her.  I was the only one who did.

I tried to talk to 3 Italians--no dice.

Chatted up a musiican--gave her a quizzical look then started talking.  Myspace exchange.  I emailed her...nothing yet.  

Today.  Talked to a swedish girl this morning.

tried a few in Clapham with Kedar.

Direct open on sense of style--Byelorussian chick.  Friendly chat--she was shocked.  DIdn't go anywhere.  Felt bloody great, though.

I think I have something with my New Plan!

The most important thing now is to work my way up and see that results are REAL

New Plan!

Not sure if i mentioned in the last post, but I found an online article which was really helpful--so much so that I emailed teh guy to tell him so.

Anyway, his idea is to pick something you really want to do, and not allow yourself to do it until you've done your approaches.  I did this, and combined it with something else I was apprehensive about--going out alone on a Friday night.  Actually, it was really helpful!

I said that i would not allow myself to leave (which I wanted to do) unti lI had 5 legitimate attempts--not directions, time, etc.  Or 2 direct ones.  It was still tough--but I did it--and I probably had 6, including several where I just went up and started chatting.  Including two cute girls at the Living Room.  Lots of missed opportunities as well, but that's fine.  I definitely realised that I needed to pull out of hte conversation early most of the time--I could have stayed there on at least three of them, but didn't.  That part will take some work.

But I did well--and I may have a plan that helps me overcome this.  We'll see how it goes.

Assessment

I'm going to try to honestly assess where I am now--what progress I've made--what areas need work--which areas that FELT like progress were false hopes, and which areas that feel like i haven't progressed are really not that bad.

So let's see.

I read the Game around a year and a half ago, maybe more.

Positives:  

1. I have consistently been talking to women I don't know--nearly every day--even though it FEELS like I haven't :)

2. My self-esteem has really increased--and I really think that the realisations I had around Decmeber through Feb. have really helped that.  Looks/height/vision/insecurities have much less of an effect, and this is extremely important.

3. I think I understand where my memory/processing/etc goes when it vanishes.  I'm not completely cured, but I definitely see the mental blocks that contribute to it.  Overall mental state is consistently better--although the Internal Conflict is still very, very powerful.

4. I have learned A LOT about flirting, women, dating, etc. etc.  And I've been using it.  Gone are the "I don't know how to flirt--is she flirting?  What's a come on?  How do I make a move?" feelings.  Sometimes they resurface, but there IS a place I can go if I need some work or explanations--the forum--even though it's a mad, creepy place with lots of conflicting advice.

5. I've learned to recognise a lot of social cues that I never really picked up on before--even people looking at ME, although I still have trouble with this one.

Needs Work:

1. The internal conflict is really intense--and continues to deeply affect my work.  This is a serious problem--I continue to be OBSESSED with fixing it, to the detriment of everything else I should be doing.  If I were free of this, I would feel comfortable doing 7 or8 hours and not feel like I have to continue to dwell on this.  I'm at the core of the stuff I've been feeling since college--maybe before, so I think I'll have to contend with it awhile longer.  As long as I can try to dwell on the success, maybe I can relax a bit.

2. I continue to have horrible trouble walking up to girls I don't know and saying random things.  I would really like to suggest my intent--as in "You've got a great presence about you.."..or "I thought you were cute" but it's still like jumping off a cliff.  The direct stuff is probably putting so much pressure on me that I can't do ANYTHING--this is probably a by-product of spending too much time on that forum.  At the same time, I think that a few simple DATES may alleviate it a bit...but it's a freakin' Catch 22!!!

Tomorrow, I'm going to really try to let go of the obsession, and not worry about it so much. It's my weakest point.  Still not COMPLETELY sure why, but I'll have to learn to trust my abilities in other parts of the game--still developing, but with more solid progress.  So instead of trying to get rid of my approach problems, I'm going to try to say "fuck it--that's the way it is--but I'll work on the other stuff".  Ultimately, that's probably the key to relaxing a bit and getting on with my life!

Balance?

I'm still obsessed with this stupid "community" crap--although I really am on the fringe.  I read a great post (actually referred through the community site--but it's just some guy)  about dating, seduction, approaching, etc. etc.

I think I've put so much pressure on myself it's been killing me.  But i did something good today--I said to a girl passing out Evening Standards that she was cute.  It didnt' seem to register--but I have never done anything remotely like that before.  This is really where I want the paralysis to go away.  I've been pretty locked up the past few days, but this is a good thing.

I need to relax, spend some time away from these weird community forums, and try to get my life/studying back on track.  It would be nice to pass some hurdles before I go to T-stan, but we'll see.  I also have to learn to expect that there will ALWAYS be SOME hurdles...

I have a hypnotherapy session booked tomorrow.  I'm having second thoughts about it.  I may cancel---it's £170!

New

Today is April 6, 2009, just after 2:00 am.

I am going to turn 35 in 10 days.  

I'm off to sleep in a few minutes.  When I start the day tomorrow, things will be different.

I'll get back in the PhD mode.

I've set up an "outing" for some of the forum people (again--I'm being careful with this) for Friday.

Last night (Saturday) was NOT good--certaily didn't make Friday's challenge--but continue to have realisations.

Today I did ok.

This is all psychological.  It's all about vision, navigation, confusion, darkness, light, trust....

All very, very core issues for me.  All I can do is keep working at it.

blah

Violent internal conflict again.  I was talking to Kedar--we propose some sort of challenge to really get this stuff working

Tomorrow is Saturday. I am going to work some of the day.

What I want to accomplish tomorrow is this.

Talk to 10 cute women.  Any point during the day.

I can look at them--smile at them--ask directions--whatever.  It needs to be above that.

So:

3 deliberate, but random/situational comments (more if fine)

3 compliments (hat, shades, whatever)

2 direct--talking for the sake of talking.  "Hi!"

2 direct--observing style, overall look, attractiveness, etc.  "You've got the coolest look" counts.

The focus is to get out of my head, and practice this.  I'm getting better at conversations, flirting, etc.

At the end of the day, get someone's phone number, but only if I like her :)

I'll report back tomorrow and see how I do.  Maybe by seeing each step in the process, and just focusing on them, I'll handle the uncertainties better.

Psychology.

I don't want to write too much.

General feeling has been that in a sense I'm releasef from all of this--("approach anxiety").  However, I feel like I'm directly facing the terror that I can actually succeed.

I'm also becoming more and more disturbed by the stuff I read in the community, and I think I should stop.   As I said to Kedar--this is about my psychological issues--I'm not trying to become those people.  There are a few on there who seem like they really do have a good sense of themselves--but I'm not so sure.  I read 3 posts that got me thinking.

One was about something called an "Apocalypse" opener--basically you say hi, ask a girl if she wants to come home with you, hold the look--and go on as normal.  Very direct.

Second was a variation on this

Third was posted by the same person, direly warning everyone that the community can and will destroy you.

The poster, named Ciaran, is clearly over dramatic, and a studmuffin.

But actually seeing how easy all of this CAN be--and how powerful it is--and how seductive it is to ME--is freaking me out.

None of this Game crap--I'm now staring complete---uh--relase?  Freedom? Maturity?  Masculinity?  Adulthood?  in the face.  Opening doens't scare me---flirting doesn't scare me...this does.

Why the hell have I been feeling detached again--experiencing the difficulty getting my work done?    The feelings of detached dread leading to procrastination, the fear of success with women, even, it seems, the fear of flying seem to be the same fear.  Loss of control, confusiion, darkness, death?  Who knows.  In the shower today, I drew things.  I drew a dot, then an end point a few feet away.  It wasn't frightening to draw a second dot after the first--then a third...and I reached the end easily.  But thinking about the whole line was disorienting in the same way.

But I always reach the end.

And the process--although it may not be CORRECT, or accurate, or comfortable, seems to happen.  I get there.  I need to train myself to not be afraid of not knowing--not seeing.

In a bar today, I flirted a bit.  Opened two girls sitting down about the G20 summit.  Kedar came in.  I switched my attentino to the cute dark haired one--she had a musician/artist look about her, but she was a journalist.  I was wearing the new blue flat cap, and she asked if I was in the music scene in Boston :)

I switched gears--talked about typing swear words in a mobile phone!  Loosened up the conversation--she seemed more interested.  So was I.  At one point I said something like "You can swear in a mobile phone!  WHere have you been all my life!"

I left to go back to the bar, and so did they.  Wrong move, but no matter.

Suggestion of interest.  

I can do this.

It's not evil...it's not dark...it's not "NOT ME"...

I can be really good with chicks....and be me at the same time.

And unlike those weird, dark forum people....I think I can be really in touch with myself, truly individual, and happy as well.

This...for all the awful pain and struggling and disconnection.... 

is progress.